As I was picking up around the house yesterday before Mackinley's birthday party I found a few of his prized rocks. In the last few weeks Mac has decided that rocks are the best thing in the world to collect. We find rocks everywhere and he carries them everywhere with him. I picked up a rock from the middle of the living room floor and it hit me, what happens when there are no more rocks around our house? What would life be like if something happened to Mackinley and over time we found all of these hidden rocks around the house?
It got me thinking that if Mac were to leave us we would find several reminders of him around every corner...these rocks being one of them. Would we close up his room and fight off tears or would we sit in his room and let those tears fall over all of his treasures? The thought of losing him was too much and as I cleaned, I cried. There is no reason to believe we will lose Mackinley anytime soon, but we also thought there was no reason we would be visiting the hospital so often over the past 2 years.
Mackinley has overcome so much. He fought for 7 days in the hospital just to come home after he was born, he fought to gain and maintain a healthy weight, he worked through months of physical therapy to crawl and walk and now he is in speech therapy so that one day we can hear "mama" and "mommy" come from his sweet lips. Nothing has been easy and you can bet we would never let him leave us so easily.
As parents Tami and I have fought the urge to snatch him up and take away all of his pain and at the same time we fight every day to accept what care we must take to keep him alive. We have challenged medical staff and put our foot down at one more IV attempt, we have cried by his hospital bedside wondering if he would wake up to be the same baby he was 3 hours before and we have questioned every doctor until we are blue in the face about what to do next. We don't want to be those parents that call for splinter removal and runny noses and at the same time we HAVE to be those parents, if we don't Mackinley's life could be in danger.
Acceptance has not been easy. Everyone wants their child to be happy and healthy and of course we want that...but right now I think we just want Mackinley to be average. A normal kid. A 2 year old who says "red truck" and "dog woof" and maybe "mama up!". And every day it gets harder to accept he isn't that kid. My baby says very minimal words and maybe 1 phrase, "right there". He can't have a conversation, he can barely communicate his needs. This is not where I thought we would be. I thought we would be talking with Mackinley about what he wanted for dinner and would he rather go to the park or for a walk? Instead we do our best to guess what he wants by asking the simplest of questions and hoping for a reaction we can understand.
So as I sit 2 days from Mackinley's 2nd birthday I'm remembering all that we have gone through and hoping we are dealt better cards from here on out...and trying to accept we might not always get a better hand.
Sunday, September 11, 2011
Saturday, September 3, 2011
It's very Bette...
Sand, water, swings, slides, rocks, birds and bubbles. Mackinley's summer in a nutshell. He truly has a dislike for water, other than the bath tub, and sand on the beach. We aren't sure where this beach and pool hating child came from but he'd better wise up if he expects to take any future vacations with the Ryker family. Tami and I LOVE the heat, water, sand and sun we always find on our vacations...I hate to admit I may have given birth to one of those crazies that can't wait to set sail on an Alaskan cruise. Yuck.
Mackinley decided about 2 weeks ago that rocks are the best thing in the world. His Gammy took him down to the creek by our house and threw rocks off the bridge with him for hours...now we have to stop for every rock he sees. We find rocks in his wagon, on the living room floor, in the car cup holders, constantly in his hand and among his toys. This is one of those awesome "we were so lucky to have a kid who doesn't put things in his mouth" moments. This morning after our 6th wedding anniversary brunch as we were walking back to the car Mac stopped so fast to pick up that one special rock that Tami said she was skidding in the gravel. Crazy kid.
Tami has spent her summer at work, napping, manning the bbq and requesting crock pot meatloaf. I'm pretty sure I have married the only person on God's green earth who wears long johns in the summer. She swears that her office is so cold she would die without them. I find it kind of annoying and weird but hey if she wants to sweat walking home from the bus at 5:30pm, more power to her. She has also taken up an almost obsessive habit of eating candy in bed every night...murder on my diet. Who can pass up a peanut butter cup or a few red vines while the skinny mom is scarfing them down next to you???
I have had a few moments of rediscovery this summer. I have found a new love for my collection of high heels, nail polish and sunglasses. Last summer I slacked a little and went pretty casual most of the time, this summer it's on like Donkey Kong, when I go out I dress up. This past Monday I was told not to wear an outfit because my "date" couldn't compete with sequins. Way to dampen a girls spirit! But in all reality, I wanted to wear the sequin-less outfit anyway so it all worked out for the best. Today I bought the most amazing dress suit vest at the Gap, Tami told me it's very "Bette"...for those of you who are L Word fans, you get it. Now I just need everything to fall into place and I'll have somewhere to wear it. I also did my first round of canning! My mom and I made blueberry jam that I can't wait to try. It was so easy and I can't wait to try pepper jam, salsa and pickles in the near future.
As a family we have taken up daily/nightly walks, rejoined our gym (how hard is it to walk a block to work out ladies?), decided that our love of Mexican food will never fade and are totally hooked on Netflix instant watch.
What's on the list to do this fall? Eventually I would like to get the bedroom painted and move some furniture around. Tami would love to "renovate" her collection of hoodie sweatshirts and find at least 1 more pair of comfortable shoes and Mackinley just wants to add to his collection of Thomas trains, watch Mulan 100 times and eat as many of those dang $1.50 each fruit and veggie pouches as he can get his hands on. What can I say, we are an ambitious bunch.
Mackinley decided about 2 weeks ago that rocks are the best thing in the world. His Gammy took him down to the creek by our house and threw rocks off the bridge with him for hours...now we have to stop for every rock he sees. We find rocks in his wagon, on the living room floor, in the car cup holders, constantly in his hand and among his toys. This is one of those awesome "we were so lucky to have a kid who doesn't put things in his mouth" moments. This morning after our 6th wedding anniversary brunch as we were walking back to the car Mac stopped so fast to pick up that one special rock that Tami said she was skidding in the gravel. Crazy kid.
Tami has spent her summer at work, napping, manning the bbq and requesting crock pot meatloaf. I'm pretty sure I have married the only person on God's green earth who wears long johns in the summer. She swears that her office is so cold she would die without them. I find it kind of annoying and weird but hey if she wants to sweat walking home from the bus at 5:30pm, more power to her. She has also taken up an almost obsessive habit of eating candy in bed every night...murder on my diet. Who can pass up a peanut butter cup or a few red vines while the skinny mom is scarfing them down next to you???
I have had a few moments of rediscovery this summer. I have found a new love for my collection of high heels, nail polish and sunglasses. Last summer I slacked a little and went pretty casual most of the time, this summer it's on like Donkey Kong, when I go out I dress up. This past Monday I was told not to wear an outfit because my "date" couldn't compete with sequins. Way to dampen a girls spirit! But in all reality, I wanted to wear the sequin-less outfit anyway so it all worked out for the best. Today I bought the most amazing dress suit vest at the Gap, Tami told me it's very "Bette"...for those of you who are L Word fans, you get it. Now I just need everything to fall into place and I'll have somewhere to wear it. I also did my first round of canning! My mom and I made blueberry jam that I can't wait to try. It was so easy and I can't wait to try pepper jam, salsa and pickles in the near future.
As a family we have taken up daily/nightly walks, rejoined our gym (how hard is it to walk a block to work out ladies?), decided that our love of Mexican food will never fade and are totally hooked on Netflix instant watch.
What's on the list to do this fall? Eventually I would like to get the bedroom painted and move some furniture around. Tami would love to "renovate" her collection of hoodie sweatshirts and find at least 1 more pair of comfortable shoes and Mackinley just wants to add to his collection of Thomas trains, watch Mulan 100 times and eat as many of those dang $1.50 each fruit and veggie pouches as he can get his hands on. What can I say, we are an ambitious bunch.
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