I'm hoping that by putting these thoughts out there my insomnia will let me rest...here's to thinking positive! Some days life seems so unfair and there is nothing we can do about it, I wish I was one of those people who takes life by the horns and changes their destiny. Unfortunately I'm just not the top dog when it comes to making everything fall into place and there are things that make me feel out of control.
Everyday I watch my baby grow and I feel so good about everything he has overcome and then I see what he has yet to accomplish. Mackinley is making great strides in PT and has improved immensely in the last 2 weeks. I think our therapist was not prepared for him to be doing so well...today's therapy seemed slow like she didn't prepare for the next step. That was a great feeling!
So after a great PT appointment I come home and read about how other kids his age are saying anywhere from 10-70 words and even short phrases and Mac says maybe 1 word. I know we are behind but it hit me so hard tonight and the pit in my stomach is making tears in my eyes. Mackinley is very verbal, he jabbers all day long and comprehends everything that is said to him. He follows commands and responds in his own version of "yes" and "no" to questions. His pediatrician gave us a handout at his 15 month appointment, I know it is what he hands out to everyone in a situation like ours but it was kind of offensive. It is titled something like "Verbal Advancement for Busy Parents"...like we are too busy to talk with our child??? Every time I look at the hand out it makes me feel like a failure. I'm home with Mac all day and how dare I be "too busy" to help him grow?! I know that's not what it is meant to say but dang it!
I'm not sure what we may be doing wrong or when Mackinley will start to catch up but I'm sure this means another therapist to add to our list. We have until February 28 to get Mac to say 4-5 words regularly, it's very daunting.
Other things that make me angry...having to read a blog about a 4 month old baby who is having a brain tumor removed today. I know I don't have to read the blog, that is beside the point, but I feel like I have to follow this story since I got sucked in weeks ago. Little Scarlett came out of surgery today with 70-80% of the tumor removed and her limbs were responding wonderfully as she came out of anesthesia. Small miracles.
I'm asking for a rather large miracle...for a dear friend...and it's frustrating not knowing if my prayers are being answered. Sometimes I wonder if my miracle is selfish and sometimes I wonder if there is a bigger plan that we are all failing to see. Most of all I hate that there is nothing I can do except wait and see what happens to someone I love. Why doesn't God respond via email or text? Things would be so much more clear but not as majestic I suppose.
Minor things that have made my week less pleasurable: cold coffee, pms, dark roots that need to be touched up, cold leather car seats, a noisy drip next door at 8am, laundry that gets forgotten in the washing machine, a melted Christmas gift, money, money, money, cold feet and shots for Mac.
I am now crossing my fingers that putting this down on "paper" will clear my mind for the night and I will be able to fall asleep before 4am.
I think it's wonderful that you are taking the first step of writing it all out...it truly helps, and you never know who might see this..perhaps other mom's with the same concerns and thoughts?
ReplyDeleteYou have such a supportive group of family and friends Kels, and in my times of hardship, I have found that if I really try to make a list of all the things I DO have and focus on all that I can be thankful for, it really helps to put into perspective and shrink the other 'stuff'. What's important is that Mac is very loved and very taken care of!! He has wonderful mommies that would do everything and anything for him..and that is what EVERY child needs and deserves.. and he has those things, and he has them, because of YOU.
You have never, and will never be a failure, at anything in your life, especially not as a mother.
I know you put a lot of pressure on yourself.. but know that Mac is exactly where 'God' intends him to be. He's such a fighter and a trooper, and just as you said, he's doing so much better than anyone anticipated..he did that not only with the therapists help, but with YOUR help. Every child has struggles in some ways or another.. but don't compare him or his abilities to other kids..because those other kids aren't that beautiful, charming little boy, of yours :) He will get there, don't you worry..and if heeds a little help along the way, smile knowing that he has some of the most loving and giving mothers any child could ever ask for.
As for you, remember that: God NEVER gives more than you can handle. Truly remember that. I love you sweetie. Keep writing <3
p.s. try some sleepy time tea.